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The Onion Book of Known Knowledge by The Onion Pdf
Are you a witless cretin with no reason to live? Would you like to know more about every piece of knowledge ever? Do you have cash? Then congratulations, because just in time for the death of the print industry as we know it comes the final book ever published, and the only one you will ever need: The Onion's compendium of all things known. Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood, and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information -- such as the life stages of an Aunt; places to kill one's self in Utica, New York; and the dimensions of a female bucket, or "pail." With hundreds of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet, The Onion Book of Known Knowledge must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.
From common yellow globes to gourmet green garlic, onions of every variety abound in this seasonal collection of mouthwatering recipes for every course of the meal (except dessert). Seduced at the age of twelve by the tantalizing aroma of onions slowly caramelizing on the stove, Jan Roberts-Dominguez has been a devotee ever since. "The Onion Book is her tribute to every variety of Allium, from the common yellow globes to Walla Wallas, Mauis, Vidalias, and Texas Sweets, including scallions, chives, leeks, pearl onions, shallots, and garlic. "The Onion Book offers 175 recipes, grouped according to season, for foolproof and delicious dishes ranging from Early Summer Gazpacho to Garlic Pork Stew and Oven-Roasted Balsamic Onions to Carrot and Leek Tart. Sprinkled throughout are fascinating and entertaining tidbits of onion history and lore. (Did you know that until the middle of the eighteenth century Siberia's tax collector was paid in garlic?) Also included are lists of onion festivals held throughout the year in the United States and abroad, as well as mail-order sources for onions of every variety. There is nutritional and health information, as well as tips on how to conquer "onion breath" and onion tears. In short, this is the book for every onion-loving cook to have in the kitchen--a single, infallible source for onion recipes and information of every kind. With a master's degree in home economics, Jan Roberts-Dominguez learned the arts of recipe development and food styling at Western Foods and Associates, a professional test kitchen in San Francisco. Her newspaper column "Green Cuisine" is syndicated through the West, and she writes and illustrates a weeklycolumn titled "Preserving" for the Portland Oregonian from May through October each year. She is the author/illustrator of three other cookbooks, including, most recently, "The Mustard Book. She lives in Corvallis, Oregon.
The staff of The Onion presents a satirical collection of mock headlines and news stories, including an account of the Pentagon's development of an A-bomb-resistant desk for schoolchildren.
The Onion Presents A Book of Jean's Own! by Jean Teasdale Pdf
A few words from the author and eponymous columnist behind The Onion's column, "A Room of Jean's Own," Jean Teasdale: Hi Jeanketeers and Jeanketeers-to-be!! As The Onion's very own Humor and Human-Interest columnist, I've been entertaining readers for 15 years with kooky tales of life with my hubby and our two feline children. Now for the first time, li'l ol' me shines front-and-center in a book of my very own! A Book of Jean's Own! features all-original, never-before-published material, and if that wasn't impressive enough, marks the very first Onion book by a solo writer! Historical, huh? My book is sure to find an eager audience among The Onion's ten-million-strong readership. Wait, ten million people? I had no idea! Frankly, that scares me a little. We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto! (Oh shoot, I should have put that hilarious phrase in my book!) A Book of Jean's Own! also marks a departure from past Onion books in that it isn't crammed with headlines and articles in teeny-weeny print! Instead, I write about the stuff that really matters: shopping, chocolate, part-time jobs, and hot Hollywood hunks! Whether you read my book on the bus, the beach, or the toilet, you're guaranteed to find something to chuckle at and deeply relate to! Among the many nuggets of fun: * I tell you the Twenty Things That Are Better Than Sex! * For the first time ever, you learn my maiden name! * I spill the secrets of my scrumptious chocolate-loaded desserts, such as Ooey Gooey Choco-Cocoa-Mocha Cupcakes With Raspberry Filling And Coconut-Cream Cheese-Cola Frosting! * Acquire valuable, real-world tips on coping with a job you dislike, getting through those rough teenage years, and styling a Jean hairdo of your very own! * Get a giggle out of my doodles and overdose on the words of wisdom that are my Jean Proverbs! * You've heard of pity parties—get my tips for throwing your very own self-pity party! * Check out my own cure for the blues, the Plush Jamboree! * Witness my nervous breakdown while writing this book (well, writing is hard, after all!) * Also for the first time ever, Hubby Rick speaks! (Spoiler: It's not entirely in grunts!) * Lots of exclamation points! (And phrases in parentheses!) I'm sure every single one of those ten million readers will buy my book! And who knows? They just may find something in it that will help them lead happier and better lives!
Introducing White House Assistant Chef Olivia Paras, who is rising-and sleuthing-to the top. Includes recipes for a complete presidential menu! Never let them see you sweat-that's White House Assistant Chef Olivia Paras's motto, which is pretty hard to honor in the most important kitchen in the world. She's hell-bent on earning her dream job, Executive Chef. There's just one thing: her nemesis is vying for it, too. Well, that and the fact that an elusive assassin wants to see her fry.
Look at any recipe for a savory dish and chances are it will start with this step: fry onions in a pan over medium heat. Onions—and their allium family relatives, shallots, garlic, chives, and leeks—are one of the most heavily used ingredients in cuisines all over the world. You’ll rarely find them in the spotlight, though—except for when they are fried into rings or used to repel vampires. In this book, Martha Jay gives alliums their due, offering an illuminating history of these cherished plants that follows the trail of their aromas to every corner of the globe and from ancient times up to today. Going back to the earliest recipes from ancient Mesopotamia, Jay traces the spread of alliums along trade routes through Central Asia and into ancient Greece and Rome. Likewise she follows their spread in East Asia, where they have become indispensable, and of course into Europe and the Americas, where the onion—and its odor—gave rise to the name “Chicago” and the leek became the national symbol of Wales. Celebrated, denigrated, prescribed, and proscribed, onions, garlic, and their relatives can be found—as Jay lavishly demonstrates—in the histories of peasants and kings, in cuisine and art, in tales of colonization and those of resistance, and in medicinal cures and magical potions alike. Her book is a welcome celebration of some of the most important ingredients in the world.
OUR DUMB WORLD is the world's most comprehensive fake atlas: a repository of all known information about the planet Earth (except where covered by clouds). In late 2007 the hardcover edition became one of the hottest books of the holiday season, entertaining and offending hundreds of thousands of readers around the globe. This new, easy-to-carry paperback edition is perfect for the intrepid traveler to any of the world's exotic locales--from Afghanistan, "Allah's Cat Box," to Ukraine, "the Bridebasket of Europe," to the USA's own Nevada, "Where Everyone's a Loser." Packed with beautiful full-color maps and framed with inaccurate essays about all the world's peoples and places, OUR DUMB WORLD is a gut-busting send-up in which no nation escapes unscathed. "Bottom line: laughed my head off." --Deirdre Donahue, USA Today
Kathryn “Kat” Jensen’s new audit consulting job quickly becomes extremely dangerous. Investigating a notorious drug trafficker’s bank accounts can lead to life-threatening complications! When Kat Jensen, an out-of-work internal auditor in New York City, joins Melville Consulting, a friend’s secretive consulting firm, she unravels the elaborate money-laundering scheme used by a notorious drug lord nicknamed El Rey, or The King. Based on her analysis, the banks freeze his accounts. Furious, El Rey storms their office, threatening to kill her boss. The drug czar gets arrested, but Kat is badly shaken and wants to quit. Except auditing jobs aren’t easy to find after she took a year off to go on an unusual bucket-list voyage, and now she is broke. Memories of Kat’s brother, who lost the battle against drug addiction, and the much-needed paycheck convince her to try again. But when Kat unexpectedly meets El Rey, her life is in danger, since now he wants revenge. PROJECT ONION features an unexpectedly resilient businesswoman who decides to fight back. This suspense novel blends crime, time travel, and romance with multiple twists and turns. What book reviewers are saying: “Following the typical format of crime fiction, Stensgaard delivers an entertaining set-up to her series. Kat’s motivations for joining the Melville Consulting team are clear and her emotions are apparent and relatable.” - The BookLife Prize, part of Publishers Weekly “Project Onion by Karen Stensgaard is an engrossing read, packed with suspense, a little romance, and even some time travel for good measure. It has a very strong female lead, plenty of action, and no small amount of stunning twists and turns that will leave you dizzy. The main character is the kind of woman that others might dream of being - a sophisticated, smart decision-maker who isn't afraid to stare danger in the face and the thrilling plot marks the start of what looks to be a great new series. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and am looking forward to more of Kat Jenson's adventures.” - 5 Star Review by Anne-Marie Reynolds for Readers' Favorite “A riveting, impossible-to-put-down novel… Stensgaard kicks start her The Melville Consulting Series with this very clever, unpredictable genre mash-up tale. Stensgaard’s shrewd observations about a woman struggling to gather her courage in the face of unexpectedly trying circumstances register beautifully. The pacing is fast and tension stays high with relentless suspense in the back. This action-packed time-travel thriller delivers on its promising concept.” - The Prairies Book Review “An incredible story from a great storyteller with realistic and elaborately developed characters, Project Onion is a spellbinding opening that will create a lot of anticipation in readers as they wait for the next installment in the series. The narrative is enriched by the beautiful prose and Karen Stensgaard's deft creation in setting and atmosphere.” - 5 Star Review by Romuald Dzemo for Readers' Favorite “This book is one of a kind … The drama and romance set among the mystery make it an even more intriguing read and keeps you hooked and invested in the plot. I would love to read more such work or even more about these same characters. Kudos to the author for coming up with this story, and I hope the upcoming ones are just as great!” - 5 Star Review from Instagram Book Blogger read.with.emilee
Unhappy with the way he looks, Oliver Onion decides to change his looks in hopes of becoming happier. He manages to wrap himself in an orange peel hoping that will help, but he soon realizes that it's best to stay who he is.
From the author of the New York Times bestselling Robert B. Parker’sBlind Spot comes a Moe Prager Mystery. It's 1967 and Moe Prager is wandering aimlessly through his college career and his life. All that changes when his girlfriend Mindy is viciously beaten into a coma and left to die on the snow-covered streets of Brooklyn. Suddenly, Moe has purpose. He is determined to find out who's done this to Mindy and why. But Mindy is not the only person in Moe's life who's in danger. Someone is also trying to kill his best and oldest friend, Bobby Friedman. Things get really strange when Moe enlists the aid of Lids, a half-cracked genius drug pusher from the old neighborhood. Lids hooks Moe up with his first solid information. Problem is, the info seems to take Moe in five directions at once and leads to more questions than answers. How is a bitter old camp survivor connected to the dead man in the apartment above his fixit shop, or to the OD-ed junkie found on the boardwalk in Coney Island? What could an underground radical group have to do with the local Mafioso capo? And where do Mindy and Bobby fit into any of this? Moe will risk everything to find the answers. He will travel from the pot-holed pavement of Brighton Beach to the Pocono Mountains to the runways at Kennedy Airport. But no matter how far he goes or how fast he gets there, all roads lead to Onion Street.
Ranging from the relatable to the utterly nonsensical and bizarre, The Book of Onions focuses on themes of loneliness, desperation, and failure. And misplaced optimism. And perverted talking fruit. Sort of like Gary Larson’s “The Far Side,” if Gary were way less accomplished and suffered from depression.
